Lipstick at School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

 

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

 

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

 

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

There are teachers, and then there are educators............

 

 

Twins

A family had twin boys whose were totally different in temperament. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

 

Just to see what would happen, for Christmas their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. In the optimist's room, he put a huge pile of horse manure.

 

Christmas morning, the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

 

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

 

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions

before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys

will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

 

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile

of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

 

To which the optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

 

 

Devil In The Church

One Sunday morning, everyone in one within a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

 

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man

and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

 

Three Friend

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. "Why?" he asks. St. Paul replies, "When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone." The same happens to the second guy. And he asks "why?". St. Paul replies, "When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone."  The third guy laughs at his friends and says, "Thank God I didn't do anything like that." He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, "Why?" "Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone."

 

 

A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the centre of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started

swinging him around his head.

 

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

 

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

 

 

Blonde - Detectives

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect." Easy," she replied. "He only has one eye."

 

The chief was stunned. "He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!" He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

 

"He only has one ear," was her answer.

 

"What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot!  You are seeing him from the side!" He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, "How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer."

 

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, "He's wearing contact lenses."

 

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, "How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!"

 

"Well," she said, "he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?"

 

 

State Patrol

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

 

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

 

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

 

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

 

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

 

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."