I’ve stared at a blank screen for hours thinking about what to write. I’ve had depression now for many years. Every time i think I’m getting better i seem to just fall back down due to different situations and recently i have fallen back down and have become very sad about many things. I am very much an isolationist because i am very shy about talking to people whom i don’t know. And for years this has been my handicap in life. I have suffered from agoraphobia for many years due to my social phobias and it makes meeting people very hard for me. I have had this problem nearly all my life and rarely will I approach a person unless approached by them.

Because of my social phobias i find it hard to meet women to be honest, and i think my overall appearance is something that puts women off. Once i do meet women i seem to get on fine, but its the initial meeting that is so difficult for me. Which means i have led a very lonely life. In recent times though things have got far worse as i seem to be loosing more friends than i am able to meet, mainly on Facebook which does upset me. As a person i have always been a loving and caring and i spend a great deal of my time talking with people online and i do try to make others lives better. But recently the losses of friends have been just too great for me to handle. I had lost my best friend from my life when she stopped contacting me, for what reason i don’t know. I was told face to face recently by another friend that I am a really annoying person and that’s why they had problems wanting to know me and it just really upsets me that I try my best to help others and at the end of the day, i am the one who is alone and sad.

Because of my shyness of women, i have failed to have relationships with the women in my life that i have really been fond of. I have to be honest i have only really wanted 3 different women in my life since i was young and i have never had the chance to be with any of them. At this moment in time i am very fond of a very beautiful woman who i think is amazing, someone who has had problems in her life as well as mine and every time i see her i just want to give her a hug – but due to so many complications that will never happen sadly. During my life i have had a couple of relationships with women, the first was just a bully and the second i sadly couldn’t fall in love with – i think because i was so hurt the first time around. When i am with someone, i do try my best to make them feel like a princess and i try to do everything to make there lives as easy and happy as possible. But finding that special someone to spend my life with when i am virtually house bound because of my social problems, its just so hard and upsetting for me.

I just wish for once someone chased after me and wanted to be with me. I’m not a bad catch at the end of the day. But i sadly don’t ever see that day happening I just wish i knew how to solve this problem.   I find it unfair that in this world there are guys who treat women with so much disgrace and yet these women will most likely remain with there abusive partners – and there is someone like me who will not even be given a glance by a woman when i could truly offer so much love and protection in life.

My heart is at a loss, on this July day,
We should of been together, but its the price we pay,
Our lives took a different turn so close to the end,
And alas i have now lost you and my heart is now grey,

We were once so close like peas in a pod,
But now you are gone and my heart feels dead,
My love for you will never fade,
But you are now gone and i am alone and afraid,

I continue on with my life,
But there is an emptiness that is so hard to survive,
I dreamed of a day when we would be together,
But that dream has now come to an end and not for the better.

I wish you all the luck in life,
For i shall not be stuck in the past,
But i know that emptiness will never go or pass,
I feel alone inside now, and i miss you dearly,
For you were my lover and friend and so much more,
But i know you are better off, with what ever you are doing,
Its just this heart break, is all so annoying,

As life goes on and i grow old,
I know i have missed such a wonderful hold,
And for as long as i live, i shall never forget,
The love we once had when we found each other on the net.

Good bye

I recently got a new phone as my old one although nice, was not that modern for the 21st century, i wanted to move over to a phone with a real OS – and i found one in the form of the Samsung Galaxy Apollo – the phone is almost the twin sister to the Samsung Galaxy S – but has a smaller processor, smaller Camera and costs a lot less. The Apollo phone is amazing, the android Operating system is just out of this world and i love it to bits. i cannot believe i hadn’t moved over to this type of phone before. The phone is so much fun and has so much to offer from Google maps to Facebook, msn and lots more. It has inbuilt GPS, Radio with RDS, can take a memory card up to 32GB, a 677Mhz Processor which is very fast and is literally amazing to use. I think my only real bugbear is the battery life, but if you install the correct type of apps to manage the battery, you can certain squeeze more out of it. From reading reviews of the phone, everyone complains about the camera and battery, because the camera is a 3.1MP camera, but my last phone had 5MP’s and i very rarely used that function and that was my main reason for getting that phone, so I’m not too bothered about the camera being pretty low – the Galaxy S does come with a 5MP camera but is a lot more expensive as i said. The Android OS is by far the most amazing OS i have come across on phones and from having a little access to an IPHONE, i do think this OS is better. I would give the phone 9/10 and that’s only because of the battery life. I do recommend getting a spare battery if you want to get this phone.